Jon Saraceno Will Eat Your Children

USA Today columnist Jon Saraceno always scares us. His hair (both facial and otherwise) look like something you'd see on a guy asleep in his plate of eggs at a casino's all-night buffet, his writing style is like Larry King if King were jacked up on Red Bull and he tends to use puns like "Ironing Mike" for Mike Tyson. Our sleazy Vegas columnist tackles Tyson's return to the ring, reporting that Ironing Mike is calmer and more relaxed than he has been in the past. This, of course, happens every time Tyson fights, a fact Saraceno forgets about; they take Tyson off his meds right before he fights, and if you've ever gone anywhere with your girlfriend when she forgets her Xanex, well, you know how that goes. Saraceno tosses in a few Dr. Phil jokes for good measure, because he has to make sure everything in his column is fit for family consumptions, save for that photo.

Kinder, Gentler Mike Tyson (USA Today)
Jon Saraceno Photo Gallery (not safe for work ... or anywhere, really)